Family Vacation: The Next Generation

We’re back from our spring break in the greater Fort Lauderdale area. Theoretically speaking, what happened in Fort Lauderdale could have stayed in Fort Lauderdale if it weren’t so darned weird.

The anticipated Weird Thing (a tentative outing with my ex-husband, his girlfriend, her son, my husband and my daughter with Husband #1, The Bean) never happened.

The unanticipated Weird Thing was pretty weird, though: Traveling aboard the same plane as my ex’s girlfriend and her son, and being introduced to them by MY husband!

At pickup and drop-off times, The Bean’s dad never brings his girlfriend along, although they’ve been dating for at least a year. Once or twice in recent months, I have encountered The Girlfriend from a very distant distance. She’d sit in the car outside my house while The Bean’s dad came in.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like when we finally met, and not without a modicum of anxiety. Would it be weird? Would she hate me on site? Would I hate her on site? Would my ex- be nice or …you get the picture. I expected a lump in my throat, a tightening in my stomach, a flutter – something.

The weirdest thing of all – after months of anticipation – was the actual moment of meeting. My husband, who had crossed paths with The Girlfriend in the past, recognized her at the airport terminal, walked up, said hello, and turned to introduce me.

The earth did not tremble. Instead, I stuck out my hand, said hi, and exchanged a few pleasantries. I don’t remember a word I said after hi. The deal was done. And oddly, I felt nothing at all. Nada. I was so neutral I was practically Sweden! Totally weird.

When I later told my husband how completely surprised I was by absence of grave emotions, substantive thoughts or anything even slightly dramatic at The First Meeting, he said he thought it was a good thing. He’s a pretty smart guy, so I’ll let it rest at that.

Compassionator Part 4:Advanced Secret Weapons

Last week, couples therapist Betsy Bergquist weighed in on how one co-parent, my friend Ellen, successfully prevented a fractious battle over late bedtimes at the home of her son’s dad, Mike by making a few simple changes in her own behavior.

There’s always room for improvement, Bergquist says, and if Ellen really wants to step up her game with Mike and her 10-year-old son, Ethan, there are two more Advanced Secret Weapons she can try in the future.

1. Appreciation. Bergquist says, “I’m sensing that Mike’s not feeling very good about creating this basket case by keeping [Ethan] up, and he’s used to being on the defense with Ellen.” Ellen could start off this sort of conversation by appreciating the bond that Mike has with Ethan – “I would start out by telling him how much you appreciate that Ethan has a great dad and is so much fun. If all he hears is criticism, there needs to be some balance.”

2. Help Your Child to Problem-Solve. Don’t focus on mom-dad negotiations at the expense of missing a great teaching opportunity with your child. Without putting the dad down, Bergquist says, Ellen can acknowledge that her son Ethan is really bushed. Dad may not see it or be brushing it aside, in macho fashion, Bergquist says, but that doesn’t mean Ethan has to take it on the chin. Ellen can help him problem-solve so Ethan can feel more in control of his own life. They can brainstorm together, too. Mom can suggest a sleep-saving solution, such as renting a movie and watching it in installments. Even when Ethan’s with his dad, he can learn to take greater responsibility for his own needs and communicate more clearly – what a concept!

Next week, Families Inc. will be on Spring Break, so keep an eye out for Tales From the Road, which may involve a new twist -- my daughter's dad, his girlfriend, our daughter, my husand and me, all in the same room. Now there's a cliffhanger for you. Stay tuned!

If you'd like to learn more about Betsy Bergquist, who along with her husband Bruce operates the Imago Center for Relationships in Clinton, NJ, check out www.betsyandbruce.com.

Secret Weapon:The Compassionator Part 3

Last week we talked about Ethan’s mom and dad, Ellen and Mike, who had an ongoing conflict to work out. Ellen was using her Secret Weapon, The Compassionator, to build consensus and work out differences with Mike.

This week, I asked couples expert and Families Inc.’s resident sensei, Betsy Bergquist, to weigh in on Ellen’s communication style switch, and what small changes can have a big impact on quarrelsome co-parents.

Bergquist, who, with her husband Bruce operate the burgeoning Imago Center for Relationships in Clinton, NJ, says that Ellen’s use of validation to imagine how Mike might feel, and brainstorming with Mike to build teamwork were all good signs of a healthier communication style. She also gave kudos to Ellen for a) realizing that her lectures weren’t working and b) zipping her lip and listening while Mike explained his side of the story.

“I definitely think [Ellen] changed the whole scene around not by giving the 20-minute lecture and by validating how hard it is to give up Ethan on a Sunday night,” Bergquist says. These two simple moves were naturally, and literally disarming.

Ready to lay down your arms and work more closely with your former spouse? Next week, Bergquist offers Advanced Secret Weapons for Compassionators.

Secret Weapon:The Compassionator Part 2

Mike and Ellen are friends of mine who happen to be divorced, but share parenting time with one child, Ethan. He’s 10. Ellen, like a lot of moms, has primary custody; Mike sees Ethan on Wednesdays and every other weekend.*

Ellen called me on Monday, ready to rip out her hair over the following scene: It seems that Ethan stayed up way past his bedtime – again – on Sunday night, and was a sniveling, miserable piece of burnt wreckage when he came home to Ellen on Monday. After a full day of school and an afternoon club meeting, Ethan had a backpack full of homework and no energy, no focus, and needed a lot of hugs and Kleenex.

Ellen was fuming when she heard about the late bedtime – and ranted long and loud on the phone to me. “I’ve only said this 8 gazillion times before – we have to get him to bed on time on Sundays because it’s such a long day. Why won’t Mike just *&^%$#!! do it?”

When they were married, Mike and Ellen had the classic cats-and-dogs conflict style. Fur flew everywhere, and nobody won. But Ellen’s gotten smarter. After waiting 24 hours, venting to her friends, sleeping on it and really calming down she: a) wrote down a few key points, then b) called Mike Tuesday afternoon, during drive time, when she knew she’d have his attention, but Ethan wouldn’t overhear, and c) worded her remarks carefully to avoid accusing Mike.

“Mike, I need to talk with you about Ethan’s bedtime on Sunday nights. He’s was so tired last night that he was crying and couldn’t finish his homework. Can you tell me what’s happening that’s preventing him from getting into bed. He’s so tired and I’m concerned that he may be falling behind in school.” She waited. Mike tended to get loud when she asked him to explain himself, so she braced herself as Mike ranted on for five minutes about the evening. Mike and Ethan got really caught up in a movie and time "just got away from me," Mike said. It had happened before.

Then Ellen dropped the Secret Weapon and Compassionated a stunned Mike. “So it sounds like you were having a great weekend and it was just hard to let it end?” Mike didn’t know what hit him. He had expected Ellen to do her standard 20-minute lecture on the importance of sleep. Instead, she put herself in Mike's shoes and tried to imagine the scene. “I guess I can understand how you feel - I get a little sad when it’s my turn to send him back to you. I really love it when he's here and I miss him, too.”

Then Ellen asked Mike if they could brainstorm for next time, because on Monday, Ethan was really toast, and because Ethan was so exhausted, she said, “I know you understand what I mean when he’s not really with it – it’s like you miss out on a whole day with him. I have a couple of ideas on how to work this out. Just think it over and let me know in a day or two. Would you consider giving me a little extra time with him next week or could we work something out so that we know he’s going to be in bed by 9 from now on?”

Magic. No screaming. Mike said he’d call back and he did.

What worked? It takes more than just superficially making nice to your ex’s face –and telling them what they want to hear. To be a Compassionator requires that you wear your big-kid undies for the job. So stay tuned until next week, a couples’ expert will give the armchair-quarterback analysis of Ellen’s skillful use of the Compassionator Secret Weapon, and how you can use it, too.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.