Secret Weapon:The Compassionator Part 3

Last week we talked about Ethan’s mom and dad, Ellen and Mike, who had an ongoing conflict to work out. Ellen was using her Secret Weapon, The Compassionator, to build consensus and work out differences with Mike.

This week, I asked couples expert and Families Inc.’s resident sensei, Betsy Bergquist, to weigh in on Ellen’s communication style switch, and what small changes can have a big impact on quarrelsome co-parents.

Bergquist, who, with her husband Bruce operate the burgeoning Imago Center for Relationships in Clinton, NJ, says that Ellen’s use of validation to imagine how Mike might feel, and brainstorming with Mike to build teamwork were all good signs of a healthier communication style. She also gave kudos to Ellen for a) realizing that her lectures weren’t working and b) zipping her lip and listening while Mike explained his side of the story.

“I definitely think [Ellen] changed the whole scene around not by giving the 20-minute lecture and by validating how hard it is to give up Ethan on a Sunday night,” Bergquist says. These two simple moves were naturally, and literally disarming.

Ready to lay down your arms and work more closely with your former spouse? Next week, Bergquist offers Advanced Secret Weapons for Compassionators.