Cupid Only Misses Sometimes

Last Friday night, I had the rare task of herding kids offstage after they performed in my daughter’s school talent show. The show’s a big deal in our little town, and entire extended families turn out to watch the proceedings. Naturally, I thought the Alvin and the Chipmunks impersonators – with my daughter, The Bean, as Alvin – were the best of the bunch, but all the kids received a medal for participating. I had two remarkable moments as I played shepherdess to the stars.

The first was a sight I glimpsed in the audience: There was my husband, sitting next to my mom. She was flanked by my ex-husband, and he sat beside my dad. All were applauding and cheering – in a row, with their Cheshire Cat-like smiles gleaming out from the shadows — as I hustled The Bean and her friends offstage. “How cool. And weird,” I thought.

I’d had a similar sensation 25 year ago, on the day I cut off my unruly long hair. As I walked out of the salon, I passed a plate-glass window and glimpsed my new, sleeker reflection, but didn’t realize that it was me. Here was the same sensation, but it was this 2.0 version of my family that caught me unawares, and favorably so.

The second striking moment came as a young girl made her way to the center spotlight with a microphone in her hand. As the first notes of her song began to play, she panicked and bolted from the stage in tears, ran down the stairs and almost straight into me. After a few moments, her mom came up and explained that her daughter was new in town, really hoping to fit in, and was mortified that she hadn’t been able to do her song. She wanted to try again, even though she was petrified.

Toward the end of the show, the girl made her way back to the stage and sang in the spotlight, cheered on by the whole audience, who applauded her wildly at the end. She strode off the stage, beaming, and as she handed me her microphone, I shook her clammy little hand and said, “That was really excellent.”

We divorced folks are a bit like that little girl with stage fright. We may run offstage in tears, but one by one, we shakily assume that place in the spotlight and try again. She reminded me of my husband – a divorced guy who believed in the promise of marriage, enough to take a chance on me. She also reminded me of my ex-husband, who’s dating someone special, and little by little, incorporating that relationship into our daughter’s life with much success.

There are a lot of us who choose to believe that it’s worth it to try again, to take another swing at love and marriage, despite a barrage of statistics that suggest it’s a fool’s errand. Yes, it’s scary; it’s exhilarating, and by no means is it easy. But we do it anyway. So, happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who prefers to believe that love is more than just a four-letter word. Here’s to you. Here’s to life.
Take care.

Rules of Engagement for the Disengaged

Last week, I went off a bit – and politely, thank you very much – about the short shrift given by a recent Parenting magazine article that touched too lightly on the subject of fighting in front of the kids.

Kids have radar, it’s true, as the Parenting article correctly points out, even babies can tell when you’re angry. It’s impossible to conduct a Watergate-style cover-up of negative emotions when everyone’s living together, and it’s not exactly a healthy idea to walk around smiling when your innards feel as if they may spontaneously combust. But, we all know as divorced parents that conflict is what got you divorced in the first place – and it’s also a natural part of coparenting from time to time.

So, what can divorced or married parents do to cool things down when they disagree, so the kids don’t get worried and scared? Try the following quick rules of engagement for the disengaged -- divorced co-parents who are still working together for the benefit of their kids, or stepparents who are trying to work things out:

1) Take a break. If you’re too angry to stay calm, do yourself a favor and walk away. Tell your ex- or your spouse that you’ll come back to the table when you’re both calmer.

2) Work it out when the kids are out of earshot. Go for a walk, go sit in the outdoors, get in the car, go someplace where you can both air your points of view privately. Wait for the kids to go to bed – or even take it down to the laundry room (one of my favorite places to talk privately when there’s a full house).

3) Be respectful. Name calling, assigning motives or dragging in the kitchen sink of problems just isn’t fair, ever. When this sort of behavior starts, it’s a signal to stop the conversation and cool off.

4) Please ‘splain. If the kids do catch you snapping at one another – which may happen from time to time – explain that: Mom & Dad will work it out; that you are fine; that sometimes people disagree or yell once in awhile. Kids should never be asked to take sides, or to take care of a parent who’s upset. There’s no need to go into the fine details of your disagreement if they ask what’s the matter. They don’t need to know.

5) Write it down. If you can’t articulate your point of view without getting really exercised, sometimes it’s best to write it all down, sit on it for 24 hours and then re-read your thoughts before you revisit the subject with your ex-.

6) Don’t hit “send” when you’re mad. Email nastygrams are potent poison – don’t send your ex- a heated email because the injury to your parenting relationship will probably last longer than the problem that caused you to write it.

7) Make peace when you can’t agree. Let’s face it, we can’t always agree about everything. Compromise by allowing for differences in parenting styles – and some different rules in mom’s and dad’s house are to be expected. As long as the kids are healthy, happy, rested and able to do their jobs –school work, homework, activities and playing, of course – difference can be good for them.

8) Test drive new ideas. If your ex- or spouse has resistance to a new idea that you’d like to employ – say, switching your parenting schedules around – ask to try it out for a short-term test-run, with the agreement that you can go back to the negotiating table after testing it out for an agreed-upon time period.

9) Listen. Are you sure you’re really listening to your ex? Even if you don’t agree, it’ important to hear both points of view and to find areas of common ground where you both agree. If it’s your turn to listen, just quiet down and do so, without using that quiet time as a strategy session to plan your responding argument!

10) Read up. If anger rears its ugly head too often in your home, or between ex-couples, here’s a great resource for helping to cool yourself down and negotiate more effectively: “Dr. Weisinger’s Anger Workout Book” by Hendrie Wiesinger, Ph.D. (c. 1985, Harper)

For how-to book fans, this is an oldie but goodie that targets simple practices you can use immediately to take the heat out of arguments by changing your own style. No cooperation required – which is handy in situations when you don’t see eye to eye with your ex-spouse! According to relationship expert Betsy Bergquist, a certified Imago Therapist at Imago Center for Relationships in Clinton, NJ, the book’s greatest strength is that it emphasizes one person’s power to change negative relationship dynamics by changing their own behavior without getting caught up in trying to fix or change someone else.

“It’s about changing you, and making a commitment to changing yourself. Seeing that your reactions [in anger] are not helping you or your relationship grow.” Bergquist says she likes the book’s step-by-step workout approach because it helps to analyze how people sometimes label their own feelings as right or wrong.

It teaches simple, straightforward techniques and behaviors that one individual can use to disengage from conflicts, understand what’s triggering the anger, and how come back to the table to communicate more purposefully and effectively.

Let's face it: We all like to blame the other guy for problems, so it may be a radical shift to think about changing your own actions rather than blaming your ex- for everything that's wrong with the world, including global warming and the Iraq war. But if you're sick and tired of being ticked off all the time, following the workout book's steps can teach you to recognize your emotions for what they are -- just emotions -- and channel them more effectively, for you and everyone in your family.

Take care.