Compassionator Part 4:Advanced Secret Weapons

Last week, couples therapist Betsy Bergquist weighed in on how one co-parent, my friend Ellen, successfully prevented a fractious battle over late bedtimes at the home of her son’s dad, Mike by making a few simple changes in her own behavior.

There’s always room for improvement, Bergquist says, and if Ellen really wants to step up her game with Mike and her 10-year-old son, Ethan, there are two more Advanced Secret Weapons she can try in the future.

1. Appreciation. Bergquist says, “I’m sensing that Mike’s not feeling very good about creating this basket case by keeping [Ethan] up, and he’s used to being on the defense with Ellen.” Ellen could start off this sort of conversation by appreciating the bond that Mike has with Ethan – “I would start out by telling him how much you appreciate that Ethan has a great dad and is so much fun. If all he hears is criticism, there needs to be some balance.”

2. Help Your Child to Problem-Solve. Don’t focus on mom-dad negotiations at the expense of missing a great teaching opportunity with your child. Without putting the dad down, Bergquist says, Ellen can acknowledge that her son Ethan is really bushed. Dad may not see it or be brushing it aside, in macho fashion, Bergquist says, but that doesn’t mean Ethan has to take it on the chin. Ellen can help him problem-solve so Ethan can feel more in control of his own life. They can brainstorm together, too. Mom can suggest a sleep-saving solution, such as renting a movie and watching it in installments. Even when Ethan’s with his dad, he can learn to take greater responsibility for his own needs and communicate more clearly – what a concept!

Next week, Families Inc. will be on Spring Break, so keep an eye out for Tales From the Road, which may involve a new twist -- my daughter's dad, his girlfriend, our daughter, my husand and me, all in the same room. Now there's a cliffhanger for you. Stay tuned!

If you'd like to learn more about Betsy Bergquist, who along with her husband Bruce operates the Imago Center for Relationships in Clinton, NJ, check out www.betsyandbruce.com.