Secret Weapon:The Compassionator Part 2

Mike and Ellen are friends of mine who happen to be divorced, but share parenting time with one child, Ethan. He’s 10. Ellen, like a lot of moms, has primary custody; Mike sees Ethan on Wednesdays and every other weekend.*

Ellen called me on Monday, ready to rip out her hair over the following scene: It seems that Ethan stayed up way past his bedtime – again – on Sunday night, and was a sniveling, miserable piece of burnt wreckage when he came home to Ellen on Monday. After a full day of school and an afternoon club meeting, Ethan had a backpack full of homework and no energy, no focus, and needed a lot of hugs and Kleenex.

Ellen was fuming when she heard about the late bedtime – and ranted long and loud on the phone to me. “I’ve only said this 8 gazillion times before – we have to get him to bed on time on Sundays because it’s such a long day. Why won’t Mike just *&^%$#!! do it?”

When they were married, Mike and Ellen had the classic cats-and-dogs conflict style. Fur flew everywhere, and nobody won. But Ellen’s gotten smarter. After waiting 24 hours, venting to her friends, sleeping on it and really calming down she: a) wrote down a few key points, then b) called Mike Tuesday afternoon, during drive time, when she knew she’d have his attention, but Ethan wouldn’t overhear, and c) worded her remarks carefully to avoid accusing Mike.

“Mike, I need to talk with you about Ethan’s bedtime on Sunday nights. He’s was so tired last night that he was crying and couldn’t finish his homework. Can you tell me what’s happening that’s preventing him from getting into bed. He’s so tired and I’m concerned that he may be falling behind in school.” She waited. Mike tended to get loud when she asked him to explain himself, so she braced herself as Mike ranted on for five minutes about the evening. Mike and Ethan got really caught up in a movie and time "just got away from me," Mike said. It had happened before.

Then Ellen dropped the Secret Weapon and Compassionated a stunned Mike. “So it sounds like you were having a great weekend and it was just hard to let it end?” Mike didn’t know what hit him. He had expected Ellen to do her standard 20-minute lecture on the importance of sleep. Instead, she put herself in Mike's shoes and tried to imagine the scene. “I guess I can understand how you feel - I get a little sad when it’s my turn to send him back to you. I really love it when he's here and I miss him, too.”

Then Ellen asked Mike if they could brainstorm for next time, because on Monday, Ethan was really toast, and because Ethan was so exhausted, she said, “I know you understand what I mean when he’s not really with it – it’s like you miss out on a whole day with him. I have a couple of ideas on how to work this out. Just think it over and let me know in a day or two. Would you consider giving me a little extra time with him next week or could we work something out so that we know he’s going to be in bed by 9 from now on?”

Magic. No screaming. Mike said he’d call back and he did.

What worked? It takes more than just superficially making nice to your ex’s face –and telling them what they want to hear. To be a Compassionator requires that you wear your big-kid undies for the job. So stay tuned until next week, a couples’ expert will give the armchair-quarterback analysis of Ellen’s skillful use of the Compassionator Secret Weapon, and how you can use it, too.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.