Gotta Fight? Keep It Out of Sight!

Good Lord, what were you thinking, Parenting? In an article about parenting myths picked up by CNN.com under the headline “ ‘Don’t Fight in Front of the Kids’ and Other Advice You Can Ignore,” (1/29/08) , author Fernanda Moore set about the tricky work of myth-busting the concept that parents shouldn’t fight in front of their kids. In just a handful of paragraphs, she posits that it’s perfectly ok to be seen “working through a disagreement with good will” and “it’s fine – even healthy –for kids to witness your arguments,” but what does the “good will” part mean, really?

It’s a question that remains glossily unanswered in the Parenting piece, and it’s one that should be addressed. Let’s face it, lots of folks have a pretty low baseline for good will – it may mean that they don’t use foul language or throw things now that the restraining order is in place. While getting physical is now out of the question, they do still slam doors, yell, and get very, very sarcastic as they argue. The very word “argue” suggests a heated back-and-forth. So how in the world is that good for kids to witness? I think the article gave short shrift to a very tricky issue for all parents.

I’ve got to disagree -- vehemently, but politely , of course -- with the misguided notion that kids benefit from witnessing their parents argue, and so do the experts I’ve interviewed for my upcoming book, “Families, Inc.” It’s the "Glamour Don’t” of co-parenting. Conflict between parents is a major de-stabilizer of kids in married and divorced families alike, according to reams of clinical evidence. It’s also just plain common sense.

In our house, The Bean’s job is to be a kid, and not a mute, powerless witness to conflict between the people she loves most and depends on for her very survival. I’m a firm believer that any issues between adults should stay in the background, so her life can be take the center stage in her dad’s home and mine. Her dad, and her stepdad and I all have a rule about this – no arguing in front of the kids. Period. Why? Because we all recognize that it is very difficult for hot-button issues to be discussed coolly, even by adults of good will who are trying to stay cool.

This is not to say that our daughter doesn’t recognize disagreements for what they are – and she asks about them, too. When conflicts arise, I’ll be the first to tell her, “Yep, Bean, we didn’t agree about something, so we have to work it out, but don’t worry, we will. Sometimes we don’t always see eye to eye. That’s just how things are in homes – just like with friends, or school, right?” She knows that squabbles between friends don’t always end up in Splitsville.

Next week: In Part 2 of this article, I’ll talk more about the “Glamour Do’s” of collaborative parenting when problems arise, with a few quick rules of engagement for the disengaged, and some resources and expert-recommended material that may help you get a handle on healthy ways to disagree – for your kids’ sake – and yours, too.

Take care.